Grief Talk #2 – Why Is Grief So Doubly Confusing?

Grief Talk #2

Royal Farris

When I am talking to someone early in her grief journey I explain to her that it is going to be not only painful, but confusing.

No One grieves the same. And just because someone else has grieved it does not mean they understand what you are going through.

And it will make you mad if someone tells you she knows how you feel.
She doesn’t.
But she really thinks she does.

You are angry because you feel your grieve is devalued because she thinks she knows and she is angry that you think she doesn’t know.

Whew … Pain and confusion. There are friendships and marriages that end during grief.

I warn her that friends don’t want you to grieve. It makes them uncomfortable. They want you to finish grieving and go back to who you were.

Some of your friends may overwhelm you with attention and you will want to be alone. Others will give their condolences, hang with you just a little, and then avoid you till they think you are better.

The grieving person will struggle with denial, depression, anger, fear, loneliness… When you think you are getting better it will come back with a vengeance on a holiday, with a memory, or just out of nowhere.

You will get better. You will get better. You will get better

You have to understand that others just don’t understand.
And you will never really understand ….

You will never be the same as you were before the loss.

There will always be an inner pain.

And here is the hard part.

You choose…… To live …. To live the best you can.
To go on. People survive and they even thrive.

It may not feel like that is possible now.

But it is ….

You will never forget ….
But the loss will have to move away from the center of your life where it holds you back to a place where you can actually gather strength from the memory.

Scriptures tell us that God is the God of all comfort. And God’s goal when He comforts you is to give you peace while making you stronger.

We will talk more about that in another session.

Let the healing begin.

I hope this helps. If you think this will help someone else, please pass it on.

I will continue talking about grief on Friday’s post.

Please comment, like, share and subscribe.

Thanks for watching and God bless.

Grief and Unfinished Business – Grief Talk #1

Grief Talk #1 Grief and Unfinished Business

A day or two before I officiate a funeral or memorial service I call a group meeting with as many of the close family members as we can get together.

I use that time together for two reasons. I gather information with which to write the eulogy. We talk about good memories. I ask questions like: If you could give on reason he was a great father, or husband … what would it be. What were his character strengths.

This walk down memory lane leads right into the second reason for the meeting. It kick starts the healing process. It is a debriefing time to start dealing with the grief.

For people who like to hold in their emotions, this might be the first time they shed a tear. It’s an opportunity to see each other hurting and encourage one another.

I point out that there are many different ways to grieve. While some show very little emotion, the emotions of others are all over the place so being patient with each other is important.

At this point it is very important for me, as the counselor, to listen for regrets. There seems to be more pain the regrets.

• I wish I had spent more time with him.
• The last time we talked I yelled at her.
• I never told him I was sorry.
• The last year I had just been so busy.
• I didn’t know she was in so much pain, or so sad, or lonely.
• The what ifs or what if I had not.
• I never should have.

There is always someone left behind who has some regrets.

• I tell them the slate has been wiped clean.
• I tell them heaven is a place where there is no pain
• There are no bad feelings.
• It’s a place of perfection
• There are no fears or doubts.
• Nothing you could have, should have, or did do on earth will mess up that perfection.
• It’s a place of pure love.
• More pure a love than he could ever even given or experienced while in his human state.

Not being able to let go of regrets can really intensify and prolong the grief as a person tries to make up for whatever he regrets.

If you are grieving now over the loss of a loved one and are hanging on to regrets. Let it go.

Let the healing begin.

I hope this helps. If you think this will help someone else, please pass it on.
I will continue talking about grief on next Wednesday’s post.

Please comment, like, share and subscribe.

Thanks for watching and God bless.

How To Have A Better Life?


Everyone wants a better life.  Have you chosen a path to trade up?

But to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. John 1:12

For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Rom 3:23

All religions require an earning of God’s favor. The problem is you never know if you have done enough.

Religion = Do               Christianity = Done

Jesus did it for us.

Christ suffered for our sins once for all time. He never sinned, but he died for sinners to bring you safely home to God. He suffered physical death, but he was raised to life in the Spirit. 1 Peter 3:18

Why Jesus? So we can have a better life.

  • It’s a new

…anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! 1 Cor 5:17

2) It’s a life with a bigger purpose than you.

If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved. Rom 10:9-10

  • It’s a life of freedom through God’s grace.

Yes, the old requirement about the priesthood was set aside because it was weak and useless. 19 For the law never made anything perfect. But now we have confidence in a better hope, through which we draw near to God. Heb 7:18-19

  • It’s a life enriched by supernatural

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, who will never leave you. 17 He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you. John 14:16-17

How Do I Trade Up?

  • Answer the calling to a new life.

I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent.” Luke 5:32

Just as everyone dies because we all belong to Adam, everyone who belongs to Christ will be given new life. 1 Cor 15:22

  • Choose to give God control of your life.

For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

He gave his life to purchase freedom for everyone.

This is the message God gave to the world at just the right time. 1 Tim 2:6

So now we can rejoice in our wonderful new relationship with God because our Lord Jesus Christ has made us friends of God. Rom 5:11

The choice is yours to make….

Have you had a B/C to A/D moment?

Christians Can Be Sad Too

When I was a counselor I had a lady drive 50 miles each way to see me for depression, anxiety and marriage issues.

Why did she not see a counselor in her own town?

She was a Christian woman married to a leader in the church, and she did not want her church to know she was seeing a counselor. She was embarrassed and afraid of being judged for not having enough faith.

That is really sad. The church is supposed to be a place of grace and love. We all have emotional pain.

Jesus was so anxious before being arrested he sweated blood and he wept with grief when a friend died. The apostle Paul asked three times for God to remove a metaphoric thorn from his flesh. And Peter, out of fear said, “For the third time. I do not know Jesus”.

My name is Royal Farris and I have been a counselor and a pastor for almost 25 years. I love to help people live a better life.

Somehow, the Christian church has conveyed the message that if you have enough faith you won’t have emotional or mental issues. That’s just not true.

There is an old hymn called “It is well with my soul”.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It says that no matter what happens, no matter the test “It is well with my soul”

Christians, believing it should always be well with my soul, pull away from the church and God when they are in pain.

We tend to feel like God is their and good when all is well,
But when it’s not, where is He? Or what is wrong with me?
And where are my Christian friends?

The other problem is that Christians want to avoid their Christian friends who are in pain or not give them room to deal with their pain.

So this is an introduction to a series of videos I will be doing addressing mental, emotional, and relational issues from a Christian world view.

I will be posting them on my Youtube site, my Blog, and on the Life Connection Church FB page.

I would hope it will be a dialog about mental and spiritual health.

We Worship and Betray Jesus On The Same Day

Holy Wednesday. The fourth day of holy week and just two days away from the arrest, illegal night time trial, and the crucifixion of Jesus.

This day is remembered as the day a lady poured an expensive perfume over Jesus’ head. The disciples complained that the perfume could have been sold and the money given to the poor. Jesus told them the poor would always be around but that he would not.

The perfume represented an anointing and foreshadowing of Jesus’ sacrifice on Friday.

Jesus said that wherever the Good News was preached this lady will be remembered for her deed.

Holy Wednesday is also called Spy Wednesday. After Jesus’ triumphal entry into Jerusalem on Sunday, his temple clearing on Monday, and his telling off the religious leaders on Tuesday the religious leaders were filled with hate and wanted to kill Jesus.

One of the twelve, Judas, who obviously loved money more than Jesus, went to the religious leaders and agreed to betray Jesus to them for thirty pieces of silver.

This is Spy Wednesday because Judas began looking for the right time to set Jesus up for betrayal.

Every moment of every day we choose to honor Jesus as the lady did with the expensive perfume, or choose things of the world and betray him as did Judas.

How about you? What do you choose today?