Not only am I the Lead Pastor of Life Connection Church, I am also the main teacher for our Student Ministry. I love teaching teens. They are our future, and the current crop of teens and young adults are the most unchurched and least spiritually trained generation in our history. They are also very hungry for spiritual teaching from adults and most importantly from their parents.
I have also parented two teens of my own who are now young adults and I know that for most parents, the teen years are the most confusing and frustrating times to be parents. Am I to be a friend or a parent? The answer is parent. I have counseled many adults who owe many of their anxieties and depression to what they consider a lack of parenting. And usually, I believe, falling on the side of more parenting is better than less.
Below I have listed “A Teenager’s Ten Commandments to Parents” from Kevin Lemans book, Adolescence Isn’t Terminal
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Please don’t give me everything I say I want. Saying no shows me you care. I appreciate guidelines.
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Don’t treat me as if I were a little kid. Even though you know what’s “right,” I need to discover some things for myself.
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Respect my need for privacy. Often I need to be alone to sort things out and daydream. (Royal’s comment: This does not mean a parent is not to know what goes on in a child’s life including what he sees and does on his computer and who he runs around with, and where he is hanging out.)
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Never say, “in my day…” that’s an immediate turn off. Besides the pressures, and responsiblities of my world are more complicated than they were when you were my age. (Royal’s comments: This is true. I talk to parents all the time who think it was the same when they were teens. It is not)
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I don’t pick your friends or clothes; please don’t criticize mine. We can disagree and still respect each other’s choices. (Royal’s comment: this may not include innapropriate or immodest clothing for work or school, church, etc….)
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Refrain from always rescuing me; I learn most from my mistakes. Hold me accountable for the decisions I make in life; it’s the only way I’ll learn to be responsible. (Royal’s comment: In counseling adults I see the most anger and depression come from having had rescuing parents who refused to let their kids suffer consequences of bad choices)
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Be brave enough to share your disappointments, thoughts, and feelings with me. By the way, I’m never too old to be told I am loved.
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Don’t talk in volumes. I’ve had years of good instruction; now trust me with the wisdom you have shared.
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I respect you when you ask me for forgiveness for a thoughtless deed or word on your part. It proves that neither of us is perfect.
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Set a good example for me as God intended you to do. I pay more attention to your actions than your words. (Royal’s comment: Amen and Amen)
This is a great list….I would love to hear some parents, some adults, and some teens comment on one or some of these points.
God Bless
Royal
This is a very interesting blog entry. I find that the relationship between a parent and a child is extremely similar to that of the senior enlisted/junior enlisted relationships in the Navy. When someone joins the service, they become someone new, a Sailor. They’ve entered a whole new world that requires nurturing and development by their senior enlisted leaders, much like a newborn child needs the attention of a loving parent. Only, they aren’t newborns. They are adults by the time we get them in the Navy. You’ve really hit the nail on the head with this. Here’s what I would add to it:
1.
Please don’t give me everything I say I want. Saying no shows me you care. I appreciate guidelines.
The Deckplate Leader’s Comment: Taking care of someone means giving them what they need, not necessarily what they want. Often, people want things that aren’t good for them.
2.
Don’t treat me as if I were a little kid. Even though you know what’s “right,” I need to discover some things for myself.
The Deckplate Leader’s Comment: Sometimes we need to let our children learn for themselves by allowing them to make mistakes. It is very important to teach early on that making mistakes are okay as long as you can learn from them to keep them from repeating.
3.
Respect my need for privacy. Often I need to be alone to sort things out and daydream. (Royal’s comment: This does not mean a parent is not to know what goes on in a child’s life including what he sees and does on his computer and who he runs around with, and where he is hanging out.)
The Deckplate Leader’s comment: This clarifies the need for intrusive leadership, both in the home and in the workplace. If executed effectively, you will know what is going on in your child’s life without violating their privacy.
4.
Never say, “in my day…” that’s an immediate turn off. Besides the pressures, and responsiblities of my world are more complicated than they were when you were my age. (Royal’s comments: This is true. I talk to parents all the time who think it was the same when they were teens. It is not)
The Deckplate Leader’s comment: People also don’t like your experience crammed down their throat all the time. It tends to make the listener feel as if their experiences are insignificant because you always had it harder. And most times, I think, the fact that we had it harder is pretty much already known. So there’s no need for us to say it all the time.
5.
I don’t pick your friends or clothes; please don’t criticize mine. We can disagree and still respect each other’s choices. (Royal’s comment: this may not include innapropriate or immodest clothing for work or school, church, etc….)
The Deckplate Leader’s comment: People definitely still need guidlines. After all, we have a stadard to uphold!
6.
Refrain from always rescuing me; I learn most from my mistakes. Hold me accountable for the decisions I make in life; it’s the only way I’ll learn to be responsible. (Royal’s comment: In counseling adults I see the most anger and depression come from having had rescuing parents who refused to let their kids suffer consequences of bad choices)
The Deckplate Leader’s comment: The longer we let people go without making mistakes in the Navy, the harder it is to help them learn from the mistakes and the harder it is for them to recover from them.
7.
Be brave enough to share your disappointments, thoughts, and feelings with me. By the way, I’m never too old to be told I am loved.
The Deckplate Leader’s comment: People just want their parents/bosses/leaders to be honest with them. It lets them know we still care.
8.
Don’t talk in volumes. I’ve had years of good instruction; now trust me with the wisdom you have shared.
The Deckplate Leader’s comment: In the beginning, we hold their hands with a death grip. Then over time we loosen the grip until, ultimately, we let go of their hands and let them go it alone. If we’ve taught them well, they will go on to make good decisions and become successful. After we’ve let go though, it’s time to hold back the advice giving until they come asking for it.
9.
I respect you when you ask me for forgiveness for a thoughtless deed or word on your part. It proves that neither of us is perfect.
The Deckplate Leader’s comment: We aren’t perfect. Being able to admit when a mistake has been made on our parts makes us more approachable. And it let’s people know that it is okay to make mistakes. Also, being the rolemodels that we are, we want to be the person that we want our children or subordinates to become. Owning up to our own mistakes allows us to become more reachable goals to attain.
10.
Set a good example for me as God intended you to do. I pay more attention to your actions than your words. (Royal’s comment: Amen and Amen)
The Deckplate Leader’s comment: Actions will ALWAYS speak louder than words. An important thing to remember here is that the difference between a promise and a commitment is that a promise is only words.
Thanks again for this posting. I think I’ll be linking to it from my page here pretty soon.
~D
D….Thanks so much for coming by and for some great feedback… The elders we have in our lives are important to our development so when we are in a leadership position we are not to take it lightly but realize the role we have in helping the person to whom we have been given responsibility succeed in life and in his or her career….. You sound like and incredible leader…..
[...] what I would call “A Junior Sailor’s 10 Commandments For Their Senior Leaders”, inspired by E-Royal’s blog post with the same title as the book. I find that the parent/child relationship is extremely similar to that of the senior [...]
I agree 100%. RSHN